You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
