someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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