Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
