He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
