Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Threesome in a minivan. New low
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
