Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
