i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
