Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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