I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
