Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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