How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
