I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
