nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
