Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize