Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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