We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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