She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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