I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
