oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
