Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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