i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
