How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
