I heard we made out
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
