omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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