yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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