I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
