Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I will pee on everything he values.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
