She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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