When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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