You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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