I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
