my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She tied me up with her honor cords...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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