you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
