I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
