I want to make a zoo with you.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
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