Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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