I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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