he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
