I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
