You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
