I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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