just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
