Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
