I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
