Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
