I puked a lego.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just invented taco cereal.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
