He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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