I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
