she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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