He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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