I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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